ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
lmfao
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you