When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground