With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
What the hell happened in there??
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.