titanic
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”