Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.