Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
How software testing works
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
for all #parents out there
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?