Breakfast for Stoners:
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Room with a view.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.