me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
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dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
why I oughta
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.