*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Lmao
She: I like Cats
He:
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.