[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?