I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week