It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid