I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.