I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
This is the best one I’ve seen
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Yes, this is exactly right
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“No way.” -Jose
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
cause of death:
autopsy.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what