Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
You Might Also Like
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried