every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Ain’t no way
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
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