If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”