Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.