I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*