Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
The future is now.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure