So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?