My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
getting corrected
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Sponch
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids