My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
nobody’s gonna understand
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Yes, this is exactly right
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf