There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”