me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I put the h in mysterious.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*