Jurassic park gets weird
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired