The police never think its as funny as you do.
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“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?