A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.