Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing