I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You Might Also Like
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My dating profile:
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?