*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.