Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The glockness monster
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.