Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I need this for my side hustle.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ