On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.