If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.