ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.