HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.