Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*offers Batman cough drops*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Breaking news:
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.