Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*