My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.