As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
crazy
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-