I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
You Might Also Like
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
broke down and did it
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.