*me flirting
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.