[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”