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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.