What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.