It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
do horses think humans are hats
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
This classic never gets old . . .
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”