I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!