A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
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while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.