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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.